Fire Up Your Marriage
It’s new years day and like many others I’m working on my resolutions for next year. What are those baby steps that will drive me to be a better person this year? January 1, 2020, Cheri and I are celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary. What better time than a milestone anniversary to focus on how to be a better spouse by reigniting the fire we once shared.
Back in the day Cheri would tell me I was brilliant and my jokes made her laugh so loud others would take notice. In fact, everything I did was amazing to her, and our relationship was revolutionary compared to anything either one of us had ever experienced. I recall leaving Cheri notes on her car, surprising her with flowers, always telling her how beautiful she is. But let’s be honest, in time we tend to take our spouse for granted. So, what can I do to bring the fire back into our relationship?
I want to start with the basics. Since Cheri and I wrote a book on marriage we thought it only fitting to practice some of those methods that make our relationship work. I mean, if we literally “wrote the book on it”, shouldn’t we make sure we are practicing it!? Different relationships have different needs. Meeting those needs is the best way to show our spouse that we love them and help us feel close to one another, like we did ‘back in the day’.
Here are four practical ways to love my wife as if I’m trying to win her heart all over again:
1. Pursue your spouse
At least once a day I’m going to consciously put Cheri first by doing something that makes her feel loved. It should be unexpected. When Cheri realizes that I’ve done something for her it will make her feel appreciated. For example, if I am the one who typically empties the dishwasher, she won’t really appreciate the gesture if I already do that every day. I can pour her a cup of coffee, fix that broken thing she has been asking me to do (the sink -- I know honey!), or be the first to jump up and take the dog out. I’m going to throw in a big gesture now and again to make a bigger emotional deposit, like having dinner ready when she walks in the door. Spontaneity will spark her just like it did back in the day because she will see that I am pursuing her.
2. Little things do mean a LOT!
Don’t save all your mojo for big events. Make coming home at the end of the day, or leaving before work, an “event”. Don’t just throw out a “later babe” or “hi”, give her undivided attention and make a real connection. It will make her feel important. Spending time with Cheri by asking about her day, holding her hand, giving her an extra-long hug, and lastly (but most importantly) praying with her especially when she didn’t have the greatest day, makes her feel like she is the center of my world! A few months ago, Cheri and I began praying before we left for work in the morning. We don’t spend a lot of time doing this, but it puts a pause on the rush of the morning where we hold hands, take a deep breath, lean on God and one another and then face the day. Something I’d like to start doing is to find a few funny jokes to tell her when she gets home to help her transition from work and lighten the mood. Obviously if there is something important to discuss we can take the time to tackle it, but if it’s the same old thing then why not just leave it till tomorrow? Use coming home and leaving as times to let her know how important she is to me.
3. Pick your battles
There is a lot to be said for letting things go. We are imperfect people that make dumb mistakes sometimes and having short term memory loss over little things will help the relationship stay healthy. Some couples call this “sweep things under the rug”, but if what your spouse does is driving you crazy and you feel it’s causing a rift between you, then don’t ignore it - deal with it. Those annoying offenses will make all the notes, kisses and other flirty things you do mean nothing.
4. Be Flirtatious
A romantic weekend getaway is always fun but not always practical. So, this year I will strive to make an ordinary weekday anything but, by flirting with her like I used to do. Flirting can be as simple as slipping a cute note in her purse, an unexpected elongated kiss goodbye, a compliment on her looks, or a flirty text in the middle of the day. Guys if you don’t know this by now, women are like a campfire -- it takes care to get the spark going, takes effort to build and keep the flames roaring. In other words, one post-it note will not necessarily mean the night will become an intimate connection. Physical and emotional intimacy is really a combination of #1 and #2 above. Don’t always assume the day will end with a wonderful night of physical intimacy, but I guarantee romantic nights will happen more frequently.
Bottom line – to keep your marriage in peak shape, you have to work on it every day! Just like anything in life, sometimes you just have to go back to the basics.